At what point do I come out as poly?
Sharing your polyamorous status with others (aka coming out as poly) is your business and your business only. Who you are and how you are in the world is personal, says our guest author Laurie Ellington, a coach of open living, here on the Online-Dating-Site of Polyamore. As much as she likes the idea of sharing her polyamorous status with others, she also sees the value in exercising some discretion. If you are finding yourself caught in the “should I tell or should I not tell?” question, then consider the following.
Laurie Ellington
I get that there is a lot of pressure to be open and honest about who you are and how you are living your life. It makes sense to me that individuals and couples who are practicing polyamory would want to be open to those they are close to about their lifestyle choices. Being 100% me means being 100% transparent, right? Then consider the following...
Why is sharing your polyamorous status important with you?
If this question incites an emotional response in you, good. I like to ask direct questions because it helps us get in touch with the underlying feelings about who we are. Listen to your body when you sit on this question. It may be that you have finally found a way to be 100% you and you're no longer willing to keep this a secret. Great! If that's the case, then it's worth considering how to go about sharing your status with others and with whom. If, on the other hand, you're not quite sure how to fully step into the world as "poly", then that's okay too. There's no pressure and there's no rush. You're in the driver's seat. You get to say how this all plays out.
How do you perceive sharing your poly status will serve others?
The key word here is "perceive". We can think we know how another person will take the news; however, this is an assumption. Once we let the cat out of the bag, it's out. It's worth doing some consideration on how your coming out will impact others. It may be that your best friend will be more receptive because they are closer to you in age. On the other hand, sharing your status with a relative that is a few generations removed, might create more disconnection than connection.
Who’s in charge of who you tell, how you share, and when?
Regardless of how you want to proceed, it's important to know that you are in charge of your experience. If you are in partnership with one or more people, then together you are all in charge. This means it's important for all hands to be on deck in terms of with who you share, how you share, and when. For example, it may feel good to share with your inner circle. It may not feel good to share with your professional circle. Again, some people can understand these lifestyle choices better than others. Consider the options. Go at a pace that works for everyone.
Are there other aspects of your life that you do not share with people you are close to?
Some people feel pressure to share their polyamorous status with others. They believe it is who they are and therefore everyone needs to know. There's no harm in doing this. However, compare sharing your poly lifestyle with the details of your financial life, your political life, your spiritual views. If you are hesitant to share these aspects of your life with others, then you might feel less pressure to come out to certain people as being poly.
In the end, does it really matter?
What matters most is to be okay with whatever decision you make. If it's important to you to come out as poly and you just need a bit of help in doing so, great. There are resources to help you. If you are not too sure, then consider that as a "no" for now. Maybe you need some more time. That's okay too. Whatever you choose, allow yourself to feel into what feels most aligned with your values. Use that as your guiding light as you enter this new year.
About the author
Laurie Ellington is a professional life and relationship coach. She focuses on open relationships and polyamory because she has extensive experience in the lifestyle. Part of Laurie's goal in offering polyamory support to individuals and couples looking for poly-friendly coaching, counseling, and therapy is to help them get clear on what’s the next best step for them. This will vary from person to person, couple to couple. If you’re wondering if you could benefit from working with a poly-friendly professional, ask yourself the following questions:
* Do you often feel isolated in your situation?
* Are you in a committed relationship and want to open it but don’t know where to begin?
* Do you struggle with being poly in a not so polyamorous world?
* Do you spend more time educating your friends and loved ones about polyamory than actually getting the polyamory support you need?
For more information about Laurie and her coaching practice, please visit her website
To join our Online-Dating for Polys please visit Polyamore
How do you perceive sharing your poly status will serve others?
The key word here is "perceive". We can think we know how another person will take the news; however, this is an assumption. Once we let the cat out of the bag, it's out. It's worth doing some consideration on how your coming out will impact others. It may be that your best friend will be more receptive because they are closer to you in age. On the other hand, sharing your status with a relative that is a few generations removed, might create more disconnection than connection.
Who’s in charge of who you tell, how you share, and when?
Regardless of how you want to proceed, it's important to know that you are in charge of your experience. If you are in partnership with one or more people, then together you are all in charge. This means it's important for all hands to be on deck in terms of with who you share, how you share, and when. For example, it may feel good to share with your inner circle. It may not feel good to share with your professional circle. Again, some people can understand these lifestyle choices better than others. Consider the options. Go at a pace that works for everyone.
Are there other aspects of your life that you do not share with people you are close to?
Some people feel pressure to share their polyamorous status with others. They believe it is who they are and therefore everyone needs to know. There's no harm in doing this. However, compare sharing your poly lifestyle with the details of your financial life, your political life, your spiritual views. If you are hesitant to share these aspects of your life with others, then you might feel less pressure to come out to certain people as being poly.
In the end, does it really matter?
What matters most is to be okay with whatever decision you make. If it's important to you to come out as poly and you just need a bit of help in doing so, great. There are resources to help you. If you are not too sure, then consider that as a "no" for now. Maybe you need some more time. That's okay too. Whatever you choose, allow yourself to feel into what feels most aligned with your values. Use that as your guiding light as you enter this new year.
About the author
Laurie Ellington is a professional life and relationship coach. She focuses on open relationships and polyamory because she has extensive experience in the lifestyle. Part of Laurie's goal in offering polyamory support to individuals and couples looking for poly-friendly coaching, counseling, and therapy is to help them get clear on what’s the next best step for them. This will vary from person to person, couple to couple. If you’re wondering if you could benefit from working with a poly-friendly professional, ask yourself the following questions:
* Do you often feel isolated in your situation?
* Are you in a committed relationship and want to open it but don’t know where to begin?
* Do you struggle with being poly in a not so polyamorous world?
* Do you spend more time educating your friends and loved ones about polyamory than actually getting the polyamory support you need?
For more information about Laurie and her coaching practice, please visit her website
To join our Online-Dating for Polys please visit Polyamore
Are there other aspects of your life that you do not share with people you are close to?
Some people feel pressure to share their polyamorous status with others. They believe it is who they are and therefore everyone needs to know. There's no harm in doing this. However, compare sharing your poly lifestyle with the details of your financial life, your political life, your spiritual views. If you are hesitant to share these aspects of your life with others, then you might feel less pressure to come out to certain people as being poly.
In the end, does it really matter?
What matters most is to be okay with whatever decision you make. If it's important to you to come out as poly and you just need a bit of help in doing so, great. There are resources to help you. If you are not too sure, then consider that as a "no" for now. Maybe you need some more time. That's okay too. Whatever you choose, allow yourself to feel into what feels most aligned with your values. Use that as your guiding light as you enter this new year.
About the author
Laurie Ellington is a professional life and relationship coach. She focuses on open relationships and polyamory because she has extensive experience in the lifestyle. Part of Laurie's goal in offering polyamory support to individuals and couples looking for poly-friendly coaching, counseling, and therapy is to help them get clear on what’s the next best step for them. This will vary from person to person, couple to couple. If you’re wondering if you could benefit from working with a poly-friendly professional, ask yourself the following questions:
* Do you often feel isolated in your situation?
* Are you in a committed relationship and want to open it but don’t know where to begin?
* Do you struggle with being poly in a not so polyamorous world?
* Do you spend more time educating your friends and loved ones about polyamory than actually getting the polyamory support you need?
For more information about Laurie and her coaching practice, please visit her website
To join our Online-Dating for Polys please visit Polyamore
About the author
Laurie Ellington is a professional life and relationship coach. She focuses on open relationships and polyamory because she has extensive experience in the lifestyle. Part of Laurie's goal in offering polyamory support to individuals and couples looking for poly-friendly coaching, counseling, and therapy is to help them get clear on what’s the next best step for them. This will vary from person to person, couple to couple. If you’re wondering if you could benefit from working with a poly-friendly professional, ask yourself the following questions:
* Do you often feel isolated in your situation?
* Are you in a committed relationship and want to open it but don’t know where to begin?
* Do you struggle with being poly in a not so polyamorous world?
* Do you spend more time educating your friends and loved ones about polyamory than actually getting the polyamory support you need?
For more information about Laurie and her coaching practice, please visit her website
To join our Online-Dating for Polys please visit Polyamore