Tips how to communicate and live succesfully in a polyamorous lifestyle
Are you curious about ethical non-monogamy? Have you ever wondered how an open relationship or polyamorous lifestyle can be done in a healthy way? Here on the Online-Dating-Site of Polyamore you can find a few tips. Our guest author Laurie Ellington (picture below), a coach of open living, is deeply rooted in a polyamorous lifestyle.
Laurie Ellington
1) Educate yourself… If you are new to the concept of ethical non-monogamy, it is essential that you educate yourself on what it is and what is not. Ethical non-monogamy is a conscious way of exploring intimacy with other people. It involves conscious choice, clear communication, 100 percent transparency, and a level of commitment to loving and respecting yourself and everyone you are involved with. It involves working through emotional (and other) challenges that arise along the way.
Ethical non-monogamy is not cheating. It is not secretive. It is not saying you want to explore sexual intimacy with someone after you have done it. There are as many ways of doing ethical non-monogamy as there are people who are doing it. What’s important to know is that you are not alone and that support is available to you. Ethical non-monogamy is not for everyone. If you are really curious about this way of living and loving, then educate yourself on how to proceed in a way that honors and respects everyone involved.
"Don't drop a bomb on your partner and give them little to no time to be a part of the decision"
2) Go slow… The thought of doing something out of the box, especially in the realm of sexuality can really get some wheels turning. People hear the words "more than one lover” and they get really excited. They see or read that the can “have their cake and eat it too,” and they want to dive in, head first.
Although the thrill of discovering what’s possible is very real and very present, how it plays out (the good, the bad, and the ugly) will depend on the speed at which you proceed. It’s one thing to tell your partner that you want to talk with them about something that is important to you, and prepare them for a conversation in which both parties offer thoughts, feelings, and desires; and another thing to drop a bomb on your partner and give them little to no time to be a part of the decision. Going slow is essential.
Take your time to get clear about what’s important to you and your current relationship. Take time to talk about what comes up as a result of these explorations, and to be there for each other. This lifestyle is fun and it can be scary at times. It’s important to check in with yourself and others as to what’s possible, and what might be too much of a stretch.
"It is incredibly important to be 100 per cent transparent with what you are thinking, feeling and doing before being intimate with more than one person"
3) Communicate, communicate, communicate… Open, honest, clear communication is essential for anyone practicing ethical non-monogamy. It is incredibly important to be 100 per cent transparent with what you are thinking, feeling and doing before being intimate with more than one person. Learning to express yourself and to allow others to do the same, without attachment to what that expression might mean, opens a pathway to deeper intimacy and connection. Communication actively engages everyone in making choices and coming to decisions and agreements that work for everyone involved.
"Feelings come and go regardless of what kind of relationship you choose to be in. It’s important to accept feelings for what they are"
4) Be prepared to deal with emotions… Let’s just say that this lifestyle is ripe with experiences that can trigger a variety of emotions (fear, jealous, joy, ecstasy, doubt, insecurity, etc). People tend to think they need to be super-human in order to practice ethical non-monogamy.
This is not true. Feelings come and go regardless of what kind of relationship you choose to be in. Feelings are a natural part of being human. It’s important to accept feelings for what they are, and to find appropriate ways to deal with feelings when they come up.
Noticing when a feeling comes up, finding a way to express it with others, and getting clear on what need you have to help you move through the triggering situation is a lifelong skill. Be patient, be open, allow yourself and others to be vulnerable. This is a learning process. The more we open ourselves, the more there is to see. It’s all okay. Give yourself and others time and space to experience what comes up, and offer support along the way.
"Be true to yourself and allow others to do the same. Remember you are always at choice, always"
5) Have fun… Venturing into ethical non-monogamy, open relationships and polyamory will offer you opportunities to be with people in ways you never imagined possible. There will be times when things are incredibly amazing, and there will be times when things are painfully challenging. Keep in mind the intention behind your choice to be in the lifestyle. Do what you can to make it real and make it fun. Be true to yourself and allow others to do the same. Remember you are always at choice, always. Choose what’s right for you and enjoy the ride.
Laurie Ellington is a life-long coach of open living and loving
The author: Laurie is a dynamic catalyst for change, ready to take you to the next level in fulfilling your desires in life and in love. Her sessions will engage you in learning and practicing effective communication and authentic relating skills, giving you tools to break through negative patterns, step into what is true for you and make choices that serve your highest integrity, with yourself and with others. Her teaching is deeply rooted in a polyamorous lifestyle. Through this open way of living, Laurie has discovered her true freedom of expression in all her relationships, most importantly with herself.
Laurie offers a Free Consultation to anyone interested in learning more about, and/or looking for support in, open relationships, polyamory, and ethical non-monogamy. She has clients world-wide and works in person, via phone, FaceTime and Skype.
For more information about Laurie and her coaching practice, please visit her website
To join our Online-Dating for Polys please visit Polyamore